I'm not trying to make myself sound like a martyr, I truly am different from what could be labeled "popular" or "mainstream". I think differently, do things differently, and worse yet, I talk about it a lot. I champion away, seeing myself as a mighty warrior doing the work of many that either can't or don't want to. But let's be very clear, that is my choice. I made a decision awhile ago, after wondering for a long time if I wanted to be popular or if I wanted to be a loudmouth about the things I believe in. I have no ill feelings towards people who think just like me but choose to be quiet about it. I seriously contemplated that life. Some days, that nice quiet life seems like a great idea! But I have chosen my path and have so much to share with the world, I feel like I would be doing myself a disservice if I wasn't exactly who I am. I am unquestioningly, unwavering, un-apologetically me.
However, do not believe me to be a pariah. My daughter and I are very lucky to have lots of friends both near and far. There is a common misconception about advocates, in my opinion. People seem to think they can be harsh, abrasive, nosy people who can't help but talk about their causes all day long. I think most moms would agree with me, when you meet a new parent on the playground, your first impulse isn't to ask where their child sleeps at night or something equally as intrusive. Whatever your "cause" is, new people you just met aren't going to know about it.
Social media changes the dynamic for this a bit, of course. I am a very open person and don't hide who I am on the internet, and of course, most people feel braver, less reserved in front of a keyboard. A conversation that might not happen on a playground might happen in a closed group on Facebook. I have a particularly close group of friends that know an awful lot about me and my family. I have volunteered the information freely- for example, they know my daughter's "Vaccination Status." I have chosen to share it with them. In some circles, this is a huge risk. Some people who differ from the normal schedule choose not to share this information, and go through life never ever speaking about it. That is to say, it's not just the kid next to yours at library time or in the cart ahead of you at the supermarket that's unvaccinated, it very well could be your close friends. But for me, that didn't work. I needed to be me, and that person is very very outspoken about my beliefs and truths. And perhaps I am the luckiest person on the planet but I don't know anyone who has purposefully stopped hanging out with us because of it.
That is not to say there hasn't been Unfriending. Oh, the unfriending. IRL (in real life) it's harder to make such a statement, but as soon as we get online, people have the power to say "I disagree with you so hard that I just need to break this connection with you". And yes, it hurts a little but mostly it's disappointing that people feel this way, as I consider myself a very tolerant person and really can't imagine severing ties with someone over beliefs that aren't mutual, as that in itself doesn't hurt my feelings. I am also a fan of scrolling. If someone posts something that I don't like, I scroll by it (yes, sometimes with great effort).
An advocate sometimes has a very hard time doing this. I myself needed a very large learning curve.
Here is a visual representation of how a lot of my internet time was spent:
What I ended up having to do was surround myself with like-minded people. I joined groups of parents that were fighting the same battles I was. I searched instagram for moms just like me and sent requests to follow them. Some people eschew the thought of labels-- "I am more than just a label!!" but I revel in them-- if you profile says BF BW CS BLW ERF AV, you're getting an instant follow request. It's like knowing someone's core values without having to spend months in the beginning being all pussyfooted. Love it. (By the way, if you are looking for a BF BW CD CS BLW ERF AV EOs mom on instagram, I'm mygreatestaccomplishment). Now my social media sites are filled with like-minded people who not only post things I'm interested in, but have advice for me and experiences to share. I imagine the world was a lonely place without the internet, and give props to it often. But I have to strongly dissuade you from thinking it's like a cult, I'm getting the best of both worlds this way. All of my real friends' statuses and pictures are peppered into my feed as well. Having a few hippies like me in the fray makes me feel like less of an oddball, and reinforces the fact that I know what I'm doing, I'm not the only one, it's just not me on this lonely planet.
As for my personal Facebook feed: I was posting to it a lot. I created a separate page, Remembering the Fallen: Vaccine Injury and Death Awareness and invited all of my Facebook friends to follow it if they so wished. That way, when I *HAD* to share something, I had an outlet, and people I knew could choose if they wanted to see it (or not. Mostly not.) Again, through the magic of the internet, I have found tons of ears (eyes?) to talk to. I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile and meaningful on a daily basis, something that I was missing before.
Very quickly I want to comment on perpetuating the Mommy Wars. Recently I have come to understand both sides. Some say the Mommy Wars absolutely have to stop, it's tearing us apart and ruining the best job in the universe. Others say they must continue, because the battles are over KEY issues that can not be ignored, and getting the "right" thing to do out to a wider audience is much more important thing than someone's feelings. Honestly, yeah, I do believe a lot of practices are outdated and that everyone could use a little more love and compassion in their lives. My views are again very different than what you'll get in the general population. (Sorry for the vagueness, I'm sure you can insert any parenting topic and fill in your own blanks). But, again this is a recent development, now I comment with kindness instead of going on the offensive (which, let's face it, no one wants to hear, it won't be well received and you are just going to cause a rift between someone you care about (or know IRL, or respect. or whatever the circumstances may be).
Just last night I commented on a facebook status: "There are so many things I want to tell you, but I can see that this isn't the time or the place and that it won't be well received. As a mommy of a vaccine injured child this article hearts my heart, but I can see that you are also passionate about your children, and in that, we are exactly alike. But if you ever do have any questions, I would be honored to try to answer them. Xoxo" and the person responded in kind, yes, we are very passionate about our children.
The reason why people like she and I, just like so many others around the globe, will never, EVER see eye to eye is because we are this:
DO. NOT. MESS. WITH. OUR. CUBS. Don't even think about it. Am I right? This is the one thing we are so passionate about that we are literally fighting battles about the best way to raise them. And who can honestly blame us? These are our CHILDREN we are talking about. They ARE the future. They are our single greatest contribution to the world and the perpetuation of the entire SPECIES. In layman's terms, they are pretty damn important! Of COURSE we want to get it right. You don't get a do-over. You get ONE life, one chance, one shot. You are going to feel pretty strongly about any decision you make regarding your children. Why? Because it has a permanency that can't be erased. "I've ruined my child" someone will say when they do something as trivial as allowing them to stay up an extra hour at night. So you have to magnify that feeling about 10 MILLION times. To say you are going to be protective about your decisions is laughable. You'll be more than "protective"! It will become your core being! And when your core being is challenged, just watch how quickly you become an agitated mama bear (or lioness)!
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