Let me begin by saying that I am a 27 year old (going on 28) that is extremely, highly, hyper-sensitive. Again, this could be in my genes, as my mother is sensitive as well, or likewise, could be learned behavior from observing her. Unfortunately I have never learned how to turn this trait off. It is with me at all times, and it has been a struggle to live in the same world as my independent, straight forward, often confident peers. In the Western Culture, we seem to value independence above all else- and the characteristics that will get us this, such as assertiveness, "leadership skills", a bold presence, etc, are praised and exalted. Oftentimes sensitive children are quiet introverts that do not possess these skills.
And so it is my fear that my daughter will have the same experiences that I had growing up. Of course, it is my job to prevent any unpleasantness that could come her way. In Finding Nemo, Marlin (the father) says something along the lines of "I don't want ANYTHING to happen to you!" and Dory comments, "Well, you can't never let anything happen to him." Which of course is true. But as an involved parent I've already begun to take the steps to easing her way through the world as gently as possible.
Firstly, it was in my nature already to practice attachment parenting. (Abbreviated as AP throughout the rest of this post). Again, this didn't occur in a vacuum- my mom practiced a version of AP and when it came time for me to have a child it was easy enough to pick it up as the "right way" of doing things. (Not starting a debate- I mean that I did things the way I was shown to do them, did what came naturally). As a very sensitive gal, I was able to pick up on cues my baby was communicating and when she was in distress, or even unhappy, I was unable to "turn off" my sensitive side, thus she was never left alone to cry (no matter how tired I got). Our physical closeness (breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping...) led to an incredible bond that I consider the greatest accomplishment of my life thus far. But AP doesn't stop there, no- I continue to be (or try to be) in tune with my child's feelings (to the point where I can predict the outcome of any situation, often looking for red flags or triggers, more on this later). Being "attached", as we are, allows me to understand her feelings, or at least validate them- and work on a solution that I know will calm her down. After all, I understand what it's like to be oversensitive- which I basically describe as Having Big Feelings. I had them when I was her age and I have them now!
So what are some things that made me think Sproutlet was "cursed with the S word"?
On the website Positive Parents, there is an article about the Highly Sensitive BOY (emphasis mine). I imagine boys maybe do have a tougher time of it with society's demands being what they are for little men, but that's another story. Either way, they have a good list of indicators:
- Compassion
- Gentleness
- The ability to act as a peacemaker
- Concern about the humane treatment of animals
- A sense of responsibility
- Conscientiousness
- Creativity
- The tendency to feel love deeply
- A great intuitive ability
- An awareness of his unity with all beings
- The ability to have and appreciate deep spiritual experiences
What earmarks a child as ‘highly sensitive’? Highly sensitive children may exhibit one or all of the following traits. Schneider explains that the key is to notice a pattern of behavior, as well as the degree to which a child exhibits one or more of the following:
- Is your child highly sensitive to his/her senses? An excellent sense of smell or hearing? Very sensitive to pain?
- Does your child get emotionally overwhelmed easily? Does she feel a wide, yet intense range of emotions? Does she sometimes get so excited she withdraws?
- Does your child have a depth greater than his peers, or even adults? Does he ask profound questions, think a lot on his own or reflect on his experiences?
- Is your child highly aware of her surroundings? Does she notice when small household items are moved or minor changes in others, like a haircut?
- Is your child very sensitive to other people’s emotions? Does he notice when someone is feeling sad and try to help him? Does he seem especially sensitive to the feelings of animals?
Really, the only thing that we, as parents, can do is change ourselves. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive (and it's very important to emphasis that WITH your child). And they won't change anyway (see: Me). I can tell you from experience that tough love, harsh words or yelling, even cursing, shaming or "constructive" criticism goes NO WHERE with me, so I can only imagine the effects it has on a young child. What I found extremely helpful was the introvert graphic below, which I apply to both myself and my child.
There are many books out there for reading more about raising sensitive children. If you think you might be the lucky parent of one of these special kiddos, I urge you to check out a couple books from your local library or Amazon, a few titles that caught my eye were:
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking Paperback
by
The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them by Elaine Aron
The Highly Intuitive Child: A Guide to Understanding and Parenting Unusually Sensitive and Empathic Children by Catherine Crawford
Parenting the Highly Sensitive Child: A Guide for Parents & Caregivers of ADHD, Indigo and Highly Sensitive Children... by Julie B. Rosenshein
(Depending on who you ask, an "Indigo Child" is basically defined as: sensitive, loving, in charge, intuitive, loners, feeling like an alien, etc. This comes from a New Age concept that not everyone reading will subscribe to. If I had to label myself, I would call myself an Indigo Child based on the characteristics listed here. I am unsure if my daughter could be labeled this, only time will tell. She certainly has a few of them but not all, like I seem to).
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